Weaponized incompetence is a form of avoidance that causes people to shirk responsibilities, mainly in romantic relationships. For example, a partner who’s afraid of shrinking your favorite shirt may say they don’t know how to do laundry to get out of the task.
Although many women complain that their partners display weaponized incompetence, anyone can unconsciously or even deliberately engage in this type of behavior. It can show up in the workplace, friendships, and familial relationships. Here are 12 subtle ways that weaponized incompetence can cause harm and damage bonds between loved ones.
1. Emotional Labor Imbalance
Weaponized incompetence frequently results in one partner shouldering the majority of the emotional labor, such as remembering important dates and doing all the meal planning and cooking. This lopsided distribution of responsibilities breeds feelings of unfairness and frustration, straining the relationship.
2. Unmet Expectations
When incompetence is used as a shield to avoid responsibility or effort, it sets up a dynamic where promises are made but not kept. This pattern creates disappointment and resentment as basic expectations like help with chores consistently go unmet, damaging the foundation of the relationship.
3. Loss Of Self-Confidence
Experts say that weaponized incompetence is an unconscious behavior. Some people may subconsciously avoid responsibilities due to low self-confidence. They don’t trust themselves to perform household tasks in a satisfactory way, so they offload them to their partner instead. Picking up the slack for a partner who suffers from learned helplessness will only worsen their self-image.
Experts recommend encouraging your partner to complete household chores and other tasks without help, even if there’s a chance they’ll fail on their own. Being allowed to mess up in a safe environment is how people learn, so try allowing your partner to falter without stepping in to help immediately.
4. Unhealthy Dependency
Weaponized incompetence can also be an attention-seeking behavior. Partners who do this may be seeking support and sympathy. However, people who engage in weaponized incompetence to receive care and get out of responsibilities become unhealthily reliant on their partner for help.
The more responsible partner may begin to feel like they’re parenting a dependent rather than engaging in an equal romantic relationship. Over time, this unbalanced dynamic can erode the mutual attraction and respect the relationship was built on, potentially leading to a breakup.
5. Loss Of Emotional Connection
Weaponized incompetence can also show up as a lack of communication, where one party consistently fails to convey their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly. This creates a barrier to genuine emotional engagement, eroding the intimacy and connection between partners.
6. Undermining Trust and Security
Life partners need to be able to trust each other’s word and lean on each other for support in times of need. Continual displays of incompetence erode the sense of security and safety that relationships need to thrive. When one partner can’t rely on the other to fulfill basic responsibilities and commitments, it creates a feeling of instability that damages the emotional foundation of the relationship.
7. Manipulative Behavior
Weaponized incompetence isn’t always a subconscious form of avoidance or learned helplessness. Some people knowingly sabotage tasks their partner asks them to do. They know if they deliberately fail and feign incompetence, their partner is less likely to request help with domestic labor in the future.
These types of people typically engage in weaponized incompetence to gain rewards like more free time or exert power and control over their partner. Treating a partner this way is manipulative and will likely poison the trust and intimacy in the relationship.
8. Bickering And Tension
Eventually, the party that all the emotional labor falls on will rightfully become frustrated. Their resentment may boil over and cause them to make passive aggressive jabs at their partner, leading to conflict and tension. Frequent bickering over the lack of reciprocity in the relationship may ultimately cause a breakup.
9. Stunted Personal Growth
Weaponized incompetence can hinder personal and relational growth by discouraging efforts toward improvement and change. When one partner consistently fails to take responsibility and learn from mistakes, it stagnates the relationship, preventing both parties from evolving and thriving together.
Plus, the partner who’s doing the larger share of household labor may eventually resent the relationship for holding them back. After all, they’d have much more time for personal growth without an overly dependent partner to care for. Once they realize the relationship is hindering their career goals and other aspirations, they may decide to move on for good.
10. Escalation Of Conflict
People who display weaponized incompetence often fail to take responsibility for the hurt their learned helplessness causes and apologize. Imagine how frustrating it would be if your partner refused to address issues constructively due to denial or avoidance. This unwillingness to engage in genuine discussion and compromise can cause minor conflicts to escalate into full-blown arguments, breaking down the fabric of the relationship over time.
11. Lack Of Self-Care
The more responsible person in the relationship can run themselves ragged trying to compensate for their partner’s learned helplessness. There’s so much involved in keeping a household running, from home maintenance to shuttling the kids to and from school.
Parents who don’t have an equally contributing spouse to help shoulder the load don’t get nearly enough self-care time to recharge. This inequitable dynamic may cause one partner to live in a chronic state of stress, which can negatively affect the whole family.
12. Cycle Of Dysfunction
Perhaps most insidious of all, weaponized incompetence can perpetuate a cycle of dysfunction within the relationship. As patterns of avoidance, helplessness or manipulation, and resentment solidify, they may become more difficult to break, trapping both partners in an unhealthy dynamic that undermines their well-being and happiness.
Therapy Can Help
Therapy can potentially help partners untangle the unhealthy dynamics that weaponized incompetence can create in relationships. The unreliable partner can learn where their tendency toward helplessness and avoidance stems from and work toward self-improvement with the guidance of a professional. Therapy can also help the responsible partner develop coping strategies and tools to support their loved one as they strive toward greater independence and competence.
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Vicky Monroe is a freelance personal finance and lifestyle writer. When she’s not busy writing about her favorite money saving hacks or tinkering with her budget spreadsheets, she likes to travel, garden, and cook healthy vegetarian meals.