It seems everywhere I turn, there are ideas about how to save money. Every now and then, something impresses me, but a lot of the ideas are a little bit of a stretch. So, since I want to be like everyone else, here are my ideas for saving money:
Stop using illegal drugs:
Now, before you get upset at me and ask how anyone could possibly pull this one off, give me a sec. There are many FREE programs out there to help you kick the habit. The reasons for quitting are plentiful. Besides the fact that drugs can kill you, consider this: The government puts a lot of money in to arresting and prosecuting drug dealers and users. If you get caught, you could end up doing more time than a homicidal maniac. A huge reason to quit today is how much it’s impacting your net worth. Most drug habits can easily cause you to spend more money than you make each month. Before long, you might find yourself resorting to charging your drugs, and we all know that’s a slippery slope.
Stop Gambling:
I’m not sure if you are aware of this, but most gamblers lose their money. Have you seen the rather large casinos in Las Vegas? They didn’t get to be that big on loans from the small business administration. Sure, every now and then, when the lottery gets over a few million, people like to buy a ticket. Have you checked the odds on that? It’s not very good. And every dollar you spend on a lottery ticket will force you to put -$1.00 towards your net worth. Most other forms of gambling aren’t such a good deal either. Slot machines? Naaah. Cut out the middle man and just hand your money to someone sitting next to you in the casino. Again, if you aren’t careful, you may find yourself taking out cash advances from your credit card to try to shift your luck at the poker table. Slippery slope.
Sell everything you own and move in to the hills:
Of course, this idea does require a bit of sacrifice, but for many, this could be just the answer they were looking for. Assuming you own more than you owe, you could take the difference and go hide in the hills. More than a few people have lived off the land. Think pre-20th century. Now, sure you may have to buy a cow and a few chickens, but the beauty of this is that you can teach them to have chicks. Pretty soon you could find yourself selling truckloads of chickens at the market. Think big.
Eat one meal a day:
If you are like me, you could probably afford to miss a meal or two. Let’s go with two. If you only eat once a day, and keep the portions small, you could save a ton of money. I’m talking 2/3rd’s of your food budget. Take that difference and dollar cost average in an index mutual fund and you could be sitting pretty in retirement. And by the time you hit retirement, you’ll be so used to living on so little food, that you won’t need nearly as much money.
Stop buying things:
Rather than buy everything you need, try borrowing all of it from your friends and family. You’d be amazed at what they have stored under their stairs, in their garages, in the shed, etc. Let someone else take the hit for all the things you need on a regular basis. If you are nice, they may even give you a key to come get the things yourself. That saves a ton of time. If you can’t find someone that has what you need to borrow, your next best bet would be a thrift store. Most people get tired of storing all the things that they’ve spent their money on, so they take them to the second hand store. Sure, you have to pay a few dollars to the thrift store lady, but it’s better than paying full price for a new one. Be sure to tell your friends and family that they should not take anything else to the thrift stores because you may need to borrow it at some point.
Well, that’s all I’ve got. I hope you got some ideas that might help.
Great post. It really is this simple.
I think that a few of your ideas are insane!! Drugs and gambling are forms of entertainment. Granted, the drugs are illegal, but are still methods of entertainment. Sell everything you own, lets go be a bum with lots of money! Oh yeah, with no possesions, like a stove, or a decent place to cook, I’m sure you will have no problem skipping a meal or two. By the way, that better be one hell of a meal, because if you don’t intake enough calories, you will lose to much weight. Then you should go borrow everything from someone else. I mean everything. My kids will be thrilled to sleep on a pee stained mattress!! So will the wife for that matter. So basically, your ideas for saving money transforms you into a scrawny hermit with to much time and money. You can then forget giving up drugs to. But at least you have some cash in your pocket, but with no bills, no food, nothing to fix or purchase, what is the money for?
Uhhhh. Yeah Tim. Hermits that sleep on pee stained mattresses need love too.
Only a few of my ideas are insane? Really?
Hazzard
Here’s the thing about eating one meal per day: It’s not exactly healthy. Even if you are over weight, you still need to eat more than once a day. It’s a very common misconception that simply eating less will help you lose weight. True, if you’re consuming 3,000 calories per day and burning 2,000 then you could stand to eat less. But, if you go from 3,000 to 1,000 your metabolism will start to shut down because your body realizes that all of a sudden you’re not getting as much as you’re burning.
So, instead of cutting back to one meal per day, try cutting out processed crap and eating healthier foods. Fruits and vegetables that are in season (go local: farmer’s markets and roadside stands can be very inexpensive), whole grain pasta and rice (your body needs carbs for energy), smaller portions of high protein meats (lean chicken, turkey, fish) and eggs. Use water as an appetite suppressant. Eat smaller meals more frequently.
And most importantly: Don’t sacrifice your health to pad your bank account. If you don’t invest a little in taking care of your health then the only enjoyment to be had from your frugal ways will be that of your family enjoying your inheritance when you die an early death…
lol i love people that take satire seriously… *rolls eyes*
People…don’t take life so seriously. I love the recommendations. Let’s all lighten up and have a good laugh! :)
This is a funny post and true if you find yourself that desperate which enough people do. “Well, that’s all I’ve got. I hope you got some ideas that might help.”
My satirical answers in response are:
Stop bathing, never have children, don’t have a wedding but get married for the tax benefits, never stop working and never go on vacation.